everything's a mess..

What happened in the meantime.. 

- failed my exam

- have been totally wasted at least 3 times within 2 weeks

- started falling for someone who is not a bit interested into me *congratz*

... and i am so angry at somebody.. i got to know him more than a month ago.. and since that we wanted to meet each other several times and he stood me up every single time... and everytime i was like "hm.. its ok .. i understand" .. i didnt even think of being mad at him.

Ok then we finally managed to see each other.. and somehow .. i was drunk .. (like always) .. and lets say i messed it up... i really did .. i did stupid things.. and i must have been really annoying that night... but the first thing i did when i woke up the next day was apologizing.. several times... but he didnt answer my messages.. then .. yesterday... i coincidentally met him at a club.. and he came over talking to me.. explaining that he couldnt reply because he was busy with studying.. but he is not mad anymore.. and now he has time again.. and he will sure reply to my next message. And today i texted him again ... and of course he didnt reply... WHY THE FUCK IS HE TELLING ME THAT EVERYTHING IS OK when it's obviously not... if he doesnt wanna talk to me because i messed it up.. then i'm ok with it.. its my own fault and i would face it... and i told him so .. why isnt he man enough to tell me when there is something wrong. 

i really liked him so much from the beginning on.. he is,.. oh sorry .. he SEEMED to be.. such a nice person, but obviously i was wrong.

oh btw.. today i was buying some mcdonalds food and suddenly my exboyfriend was standing in front of me... since we broke up i havent seen him or have been talking a single word to him... now that was a surprise... no i'd rather call it a shock..i started talking to him and after 2minutes my body finally started shaking and so i decided to tell him that i have to leave.. so i did. 

i'm stuck in a deep black hole and it's getting worse and worse. there is no one.. not a single person.. having an idea of whats going on with me at the moment.. and i keep pretending everything is fine and that i will get control over my life back soon. But honestly? i'm not sure about that anymore ... and to be really honest.. deep down i know: I won't.

Why is everything so difficult for me? Problems that are easy to handle for every normal person often turn out to be such big challenges for me... why is that so? 

at the moment i would just need someone being there for me so badly.

messed it up

Ok .. i did not change anything so far.. i was drunk again .. totally drunk.. totally fucked up.. cant remember anything except that i did many stupid things that night. 

i still didnt start studying (but tomorrow i will.... seriously!) 

i'm still doing nothing the whole day.. oh and i have been on a date with a blockhead. I really must have been totally drunk when i decided to give this guy my number. "What do you like to do in your free time?" "Ohh ... smoking ganja the whole day.. i looove ganjaa...."  "What's your favourite movie genre?" "Porn movies" ... and he meant this answers seriously. Fuck him. At least he paid for my cinema ticket.

Still havent heard anything from C. Althoug i really would have needed talking to him a bit... but well obviously he just doesnt care about me anymore... it's easy to not care, because i am gone now... and he doesnt have to see me ... it makes it easier to forget.  But it doesnt work with me like that... i never forget easily.. 

whatever.. 

instead i had a nice msn-webcam conversation with S recently.. He lives in Paris. I got to know him during my vacations in cannes in july.  He's really a great guy.. and i am so sad that he lives that far away =/ it felt good seeing him again, although it was only via webcam ... he is a good friend and i'd like to meet him again one day.. and maybe i will ... becauseee my italian friend G (the girl i got to know in Lebanon) and me are planning to have a trip to Paris in December... but i have to pass my exams first.... If it works I will fly over to her to Rome and stay there for a few days and then we will take a flight together from rome to paris...  it would be so much fun, i know it ... so pleeeeaseee make it happen!!!! =/ 

Good Night freaky life

a whole new me..

I have to change something in my life.. starting with today...
I'm now working as a volunteer in a kindergarten. I had my interview with the head of the kindergarten today and it's now fixed. I decided to do so, because i love having children around and i have to stop wasting my time with doing nothing the whole day... i really need some routine in my life. And besides enjoying to be there for the little children, its only for something like 4 hours a week, so it's really not going to kill me.. There is also a primary and a secondary school next to this kindergarten (it's all in the same building and it belongs somehow together.. they have all in all 1500 children/students) .. so maybe i can help there too after some time, it would be at least more challenging to work with adolescents.
And I'll start doing some sports activities regulary. I'll start with jogging and when university starts again I'll register for some university offered sports programm.. :) Because it's really more than time for losing some weight.
Oh, and i have to stop drinking alcohol like a 150kilo jobless stinky man.. but hey... i dont want to overtax myself ... step by step :P

W-E-E-K-E-N-D ;)

It's weekend now .. ok, actually it is Sunday 5 in the morning, so weekend is almost over.. And no i am not still awake.. i just got up :P We had some family celebration stuff on Saturday and it was so exhausting (there was so much food and i had to eat it all .. so yes it was really really exhausting :P), and i didnt sleep enough the night before .. so i fell asleep immediately after i got home at 11pm .. and unfortunately i woke up 10 minutes ago ... so here i am, creating my 2nd blog entry.

So.. what else have i done this weekend? On Friday i've been out (drinking too much again).. and on my way home i stopped by at a club i haven't been in for something like 2 years. But i used to know the owner of this club and i also haven't seen him for the last 2 years and so i thought i might visit my old friend :) ... So i went in there (alone .. ) to see him, and i really had fun (and more alcohol.., because he invited me on everything). 

Unfortunately there isn't anything else exciting to tell.. except that i got a text message from C yesterday.. and i was really happy to hear from him after almost 2 weeks of nothing .. but it also made me incredibly sad.. because it reminded me of how much i actually miss him.

Whatever.. I'm going to watch now the first episode of the new supernatural season (and I'm getting tired again .. ) 

Take care ;)

the beginning ...

Hey.. 

I never had something like a blog before.. i mean .. of course i used to have a diary when i was 13 .. but i stopped writing into it at the age of 16(?) .. so it's a long time now ago that i wrote down my thoughts the last time. The reason i decided to start having a blog ? Well, today i discovered that one of my friends, G, uses the notes-application on facebook for running something like a blog and I started reading her posts. And actually i really like the way she thinks and the way she writes down her thoughts... it kind of impressed me. So i started wondering - when am i going to write something down that is going to impress somebody? And now here i am .. starting my own blog. I dont know how this venture is going to turn out - but i hope that it's going to be worthwhile reading for at least one person out there - whoever that might be :)

And if one of my Austrian-friends is going to read this.. they sure might wonder "why the hell is she writing in English?" .. and let me tell you there are 2 reasons for it: first of all .. i dont know yet who will ever read my blog .. but during the last year i gained a lot of friends from many different countries .. and i want (at least some of them) also to be able to read this, if they want to. Second of all .. gaining a lot of friends from many different countries involves communicate with them regulary .. so during the last year i started talking and writing in this different language almost everyday and i have to say: I like it and i'm so comfortable with using it. Sometimes it is also easier for me to express feelings in English than in German. But who knows.. if i feel like posting something in German one day.. i will do so ;)

Lots of not so interesting stuff so far, hm? ;)

Let's get to the part where i tell what's going on with me recently:

First of all: I feel like shit at the moment, because there are a lot of problems I'm facing... with university, work, money etc.. and there has been a lot of stuff going on in my private life during the last few months, which doesnt really make it easier to live my life.

I used to have a boyfriend till the end of April.. we've been together for almost 3 years. And this was really hard for me.. because it was a good/intense relationship .. but with time we grew apart.. and we both screwed it up. But I'm ok now with it.. and it was the right choice to end this and i dont regret anything.. There are still a lot of great memories.. but that's it. I'm thankful for the time i had with him .. and for the things he has done for me .. but it's nothing more than a memory now.

After him.. there have been a lot of Guys now.. from A to Z .. lots of different types.. but nothing serious. I barely dated someone more than 3 times. Well, there has been one Person.. but unfortunately this Person lives in Lebanon (yeees i've been to Lebanon this summer, and I absolutely love this country). Let's call him "C" ;) C became so extremly important to me within these 18 days i spent there .. that it was everything else than usual.. it was sick. We had an amazing and very very intense time together.. everything was perfect. He knew how to handle every situation with me from the beginning on (and believe me .. I'm sometimes very difficult to handle) and he always did and said the right things. I never met someone like him.. but I had to leave.. as hard as it was for me, but i had to go back to my boring life in Austria and pretend that nothing ever happened.. because there is no way that there is going to be a future for the two of us. And for all the "if you believe in love and if you want it really badly everything is going to be possible"-believers out there: No, believe me.. there are various reasons from both sides (i dont want to mention them all now..) that make it more than just impossible. So ....  life goes on without C ;)

So .. I dont want this blog to be only about guys .. so let's move to another topic: University

I have 2 exams in 3 weeks and i didnt even start with studying for it... because i am a lazy pig. But it is not that easy.. I have to pass them now... and the third one that is missing in November to get my grant from university back.. which makes 250 Euros/months .. and without the exams i dont get the money .. and without the money you'll soon find me living under the bridge next to that stinky clochard who is turning out to be my future husband... (No i'm not kidding... i already have that picture of mr.stinky and me (also stinky) in my head and it's not so unrealistic) But i really don't want it to be like that =( so.. i hope that i'll come to my senses in time and STUDY like i never did before.

Hm.. there is of course a lot more to tell .. but i can't type anymore :P And if you really read it till the end, your eyes might already hurt and you might be thankful that i stop now.

Thanks for your attention ;)